I look into the windows.
_______From outside, I see milky rooms with swirling shadows
(they once held the shapes of bodies)
I imagine scenes in my head. I try to think about their lives, and how they’ve been.
I look down at my feet, and imagine falling off of this beam. (it would hurt, I consider
empirically, as if it is someone else not me, Jane in the Physics text book)

It is hot outside. Strange for me, until I feel a pinch, and I am reminded.
Stocking-ed feet make it safe, and I realize how green the grass is

The sky is moving fast now, faster than my thoughts, and I focus on it.

I haven’t done this in a long time.
It’s a little part of me.
(like when people say that they die a little inside, except the opposite)
I’m coming alive temporarily, like that fluorescent light bulb in the lonely lobby, the firefly that hovered by your ear.
_____ It’s all smooth, for now.
I know, it’s all my fault, and It’s easier this way because it’s Mutually Exclusive.
For a while, life was monochromatic (As I take a break, and remember)
Nostalgia tinges my nose now. I want to tear up, but it wont work, because the truth is, I’m not sad.
The sky was white, it wouldn’t move. Everything else was black, but we were in shades of grey.

All that mattered was touching, and someone took the time to feel my heartbeat.
_____ I never knew that could happen.
I never knew this could happen.

It beats, and I can feel it holding in the air around me.
The tempo changes us, and I know when the lights turn on, we don’t like to move.
_____ I don’t like the idea of you seeing me, but the television is gentle, and
Lends a softening hand to the idea of me.
_____ I think you like my silhouette
Theres different things about it, and its becoming saturated.
_____ I don’t think about these things until the morning, with the faint glow of the clock
reminding me.
We don’t have excuses right now, anymore. (it was trying to be neon)
And we always have to recycle it. (a little is lost everytime, and its never the same)

___at first I didn’t like being alone.
___________________a phobia of mine.
_but now after always being with people, I relish it.
the time pases slower when I’m alone but I like it that way.
______________possibly, i’m fine. because i know someone’s on
______________their way home.
my home.
_____I find myself smiling in thought. unknowingly.
I catch
_____myself, and consciously widen it.
__________________________I like this life.
While i can keep apologizing for being myself, I don’t see the point.
___the only people I need to impress, I already
have.
___________________I have to only care about myself,
because this is not the time.
_________________________I’m content with where I am.
_____________________________this is the perfect resting place, don’t you think?
____________________I’d prefer to stay, for I will never know
____________________where my potential was, would have been if I move on.
_______________I hate how the wind blows things around.
_________________________I can’t catch it?
__________________I do not like it.
___________________________I was talking about something else.
I like how only I can understand.
______________________I I I I I, enough for you?
______________________________________(don’t lose this)
___Today I am very happy with who I am, and for the first time,
___I like it.

July 5

It seems i always look away when the numbers pass, so that when
i look up the minutes have passed without my knowing.

Turning up the volume, thank god for deafness.

I lay down and rest my fingers on the volume. and vibrations escape
through where the two pieces fail to connect, transferring to my fingertip.
pulsing, it seems, with my my heart.

there is a time limit on sanity.

I’m looking, waiting for the time to pass, but, with my fixed stare, i become
bored. Soon my eyes shift towards the window. Outside the wind moves the limbs
of a tree back and forth, blocking and un-blocking the glare of the sun burning
on the metal parallel to my room.

tears are a temporary thing.

it’s a smile, yes. so under-appreciated. do you think i could
have held on tighter? embrace- it isn’t missed until too late, until it’s left.
it wasn’t sad at that time. but i walked away and realized it was forever.

six minutes past my limit.

first the faint searing on my nose, the bridge, closest to the
eyes. tinted windows so i can’t see her, but wave anyway. then a swelling in
my chest, to the right of my heart. uncontrollable, these emotions are. step
up and sit down. forever goodbye. as i dwell more on these thoughts, i feel
my waist condense, my stomach swirl as tears start to cling to my eyelashes.
i forgot to whisper ‘i love you too’. and my cheeks are now wet. stifiling,
so as not to be heard

Paths already dried, and yet i’m still crying. now running to
the corners of my mouth, down my neck because i am looking at the ceiling. my
skin feels odd because i didn’t bother to brush the tears away.

they remain saturated and absorbed.

i am spent.

it’s still churning inside of me, yet my body has no tears remaining.
i feel obliged. as if a tribute, i wish i could continue to make salty puddles
for her.

Breaking point.

July 4

all of a sudden, it’s as if my life were a movie. a montage of
photos. sitting next to her, i feel her heart pulsing through her skin. the
blood rushing through her veins pushes through her skin, which in turn flares
against mine. a sharp ember of life.

and pondering on this, my exposed chest flashes with heat, slowly
spreading, aching.

it feels like my whole rib cage is collapsing upon itself. my
inner structure has left. my world’s falling apart. from within. did she notice
my sudden movement to grab her hand, intwining my fingers with hers? it was
an involuntary reflex– reaching for comfort. last hours wasted while the new
day is crouched over the horizon, speckled with faded stars.

my skin is hot. Once again, from within. it’s difficult with the
air conditioner on, but not too hard under the circumstances. ignore it, i say
in my m ind.

these
unheard reprisals.

Always the unheard… contemplation.

Silence
is what always kills.

Summer 2002

you told me you loved me
a glow answering a glow
you said you would never forget
a touch answering a feel
the time we spent together
your lips answering mine
blurring what was real
and another grain of sand slipped through my fingertips
while i was waiting for you to return
but i remember our last words,
and through the broken promises and broken embraces,
there’s a glimmer of hope
of what was and what could be

i try to continue my life
with the knowledge that you’re lost to me
meloncholy smiles while brushing the tears
away; pretending they don’t exist;

turning the hourglass over
and i finger the lips you once kissed

you’ve folded me a million times,
take me apart and the creases
are still there…
just like the tears*

you’ve torn me around the edges,
just a matter of time before
I fall apart.

you’ve cut me to form the shape
you want and it doesn’t make
a difference how much tape I use,
im still your broken piece of paper.

I wondered if you’d
miss me just now, in
the night as I stare at the corner of my room
And try to tell where the walls end and the darkness begins

I wonder if you’d miss me …
if I leave you, will life be better
or any easier
will you be satisfied with
what you’ve done to me

I wondered if you’d miss me
as I pressed the knife against my wrist,
I wondered if my tears would be dry when
you found me, and I wondered
if you’d care.

it happened again last night you misunderstood me and we got in a fight.
you screamed how I never appreciated you, and how you’re life had been so bad. I’d heard the story a hundred times before… just like you always had.
I had to yell so I could hear myself think then you broke down in tears. He rushed to your side to calm your sobs and you proved my fears.
after all this time that I’d tried to live up to his expectations and failed so many times, He looked at me; calling me names and accused me of my crimes.
It hurt so bad to be betrayed when he called me that, I thought when we moved here it would be different and he would love me. But you found me out, is he surprised? I looked like I didn’t care that he had said that to me, just bowed my head and my hair hid my face from view.
Upstairs in my bed I stared up at the ceiling. The tears slid down my face and traced around my cheeks. I felt my mask start to slide on, and I resisted it at first. But fighting it was useless and I lost the battle. I turned on my side and my tears fell into my hair. I looked through the wall and repeated what you said. I focus on my thoughts and try to block out your voices… voices saying things about me that I know are true. And I cry a little softer so that you can’t hear me through the door, but loud enough to keep your words from reaching my ears.

walked across the street,
on the other side
walked on the side i’ve never been on before
down the sidewalk, i compared the two sides
black versus white
and i’m the grey
got to the end
and sat down in the dirt,
filled in the heat-sprung cracks
with sand, each grain of time
slipping through my fingers
like my tears had so many times before

still searching for the cracks
in the baked ground, and i won’t
stop until i fill them all,
not caring for my own cracks,
made my fears.