i AM NOT REWRITING my FIRST ESSAY today. thats just craziness.
heres the rewritten introduction though, which i like more than the original
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Lawns where luscious foilage is intermixed with vibrant spots of color are seen prominently displayed in front of midsized cottage style houses. A family, smiling brightly in their coordinating outfits, stands on the steps leading towards the door. The path cutting through the grass ends at my feet, and before I am able to step in and experience this utopian life, I have to enter therough the gate. My hand rests lightly on the waist high wood, painte white like icing on a cake. That’s what it is, this white picket fencel the sweet border framing my future.
—-
and the original
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People often approach life with a plan. Frequently, this systematic approach (consciously enacted or not) makes living easier and adds a purpose to one’s life. This is true for me. I am able to think back on many points in the past where I was caught off guard by a questionnaire, and began to drown helplessly in the blank space: ‘What are your future goals?’ I had turned this phrase over in my mind over and over, each time pressured into quickly jotting down a hollow answer before resolutely moving on.
—
yeah.
anyways. heres my essay that i wrote SO half ass starting at like 1AM (after some good times with dan, playing red faction (bet him ONCE), and getting an $11 bill @ ruby tuesdays (worst service ever, and my bitchy-ness came out). i didnt even bother to finish the conclusion.
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An Endless Cycle
“I saw that the time was right to make a play for souvenirs. I knew she had no money for them, and I had tried not to ask, but now that her guard was down I couldn’t help myself. When we pulled out of the Grand Junction I owned a beaded Indian belt, beaded moccasins, and a bronze horse with a removable, tooled leather saddle.”
Immediately Toby, the main character in This Boy’s Life, starts to take advantage of his mother’s need to love and feel loved. In the aftermath of a possibly traumatizing car crash viewing, he thinks of how he may benefit. His mother, realizing that they easily could have been taken over the cliff along with the truck if their engine would not have overheated, exudes a surge of maternal love and caresses. Toby, sensing this, seizes the opportunity to obtain what he previously had been attempting to receive: souvenirs. His mother, weak with emotion, gives in; thus starting an endless cycle, on both ends, of love and manipulation.
Notice how I took time to emphasize the fact that this “cycle” is mutual. Toby’s mother, on more than one occasion, is guilty of using him to obtain revenge or manipulating others to instill fear into Toby. When her new husband, Dwight, takes a ride with their dog Champion, in which it is killed, Toby’s mother cruelly taunts the question “Why don’t you take a little ride with Dwight?” (178) as punishment whenever he is trouble; this plays off of Toby’s emotional pain and fear of sharing the same fate as Champion. Furthermore, when Toby wishes to change his name to Jack after an unfortunate classroom situation, his mother is at first resistant. Upon learning that her ex-husband strongly opposes the changing of his name, she suddenly shows a massive amount of support for the name change, justifying this allowance by making Jack -or more specifically, Jonathan- his Catholic name (8, 9).
Toby knows that his mother will agree to let him change his name, if only to upset his father. He uses this information to his benefit and successfully changes his name. A further example of love versus manipulation is in the scenario involving the men his mother meets at a picnic, one of which promises him a Raleigh bike. When his mother comes home from a date and is crying softly, he goes toward her and comforts her. After she is calmed and close to sleep, he tries unsuccessfully to suppress the question: “What about the Raleigh?”(55, 56). His mother ignores him. The instance in which Toby shoots a squirrel would serve as a further example of where love coincides with manipulation. He purposely shoots a squirrel with the rifle his mother allowed him to have, then waits for her to return from work. He childishly points to the animal and watches as his mother takes a sandwich bag and humanely buries it (26). He prays falsely after having his mother dispose of the murder victim.
By using the rifle to shoot the squirrel, Toby had broken a promise that he had made to his mother. His mother, acquiescing to his demands, gives herself a bit of a sense of dominance by establishing conditions to which Toby must agree. By agreeing to these terms, Toby satisfies his mother and also receives what he wants. Of course, he does not ever keep his promises, though he sometimes exhibits moderate self-control towards the initial criminal act. Before he is able to change his name Toby must promise his mother that he will attend catechism classes, which he attends faithfully until caught in a wrongful act by a nun (9,11). Also, he agrees to not use the rifle given to him by Roy, his mother’s boyfriend, without adult supervision, but he frequently does. At first, he merely dresses up in costumes, cleans it, then progressively loads, aims, and shoots it (25).
Through analyzing of their relationship, it is apparent the gradual deterioration of Toby and his mother’s morals and trust in each other. It is as if they are using each other so that they are not alone and simply using each other as accessories in their individual petty crimes. At times, they are convinced of the love and innocence of one another, at others, of the betrayal and hatred.
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“die another day” just came on in my playlist, and that just made it worth it. [well, CAME isnt really the right word, i clicked on it]
private dance lessons on wednesday, lets talk about the dance.. not, and i watche dmean girls on tuesday.
wanted
sick
