lets just look at this kick ass Psychology gradige

…
Assessment Average: 100%
…
more specifically,
Exam 1 > 100% (Class Average-8.2222222)
Video Assignment > 100% (Class Average-7.6153846)
Critical Research Assignment > 100% (Class Average-7.0833333)

Aaaahh. good times.
my essay, AGAIN. (i gave up editing after the first couple of paragraphs, can you tell?)oh, and i made up a new word, figure out what it is. dont laugh at the cliches
—
FINAL I (WHITE PICKET FENCES)

People often approach life with a plan. Frequently, this systematic approach (consciously enacted or not) makes living easier and adds a purpose to one’s life. This is true for me. I am able to think back on many points in the past where I was caught off guard by a questionnaire, and began to drown helplessly in the blank space: ‘What are your future goals?’ I had turned this phrase over in my mind over and over, each time pressured into quickly jotting down a hollow answer before resolutely moving on.

Though I felt as if I was being forced into choosing a way of life, I was also in a rush to discover what I wanted in life. I believed, as much as an school-age child could, that I needed to find my purpose in order to continue living and hold an existence in the modern world. Where would I be without a plan of future, investments, and structure? The unknown answer scared me. This fear was to become the catalyst to a variety of adventures in the world of ‘dream’ forming.

To begin planning, grasping the definition of a socially accepted life was essential I began developing my ideas when I experienced my first career day. This “Career Day” was a new thing to me; it consisted of teaching the students about different vocational fields, and brought with it a feeling similar to that which, as a child, I would experience when I saw the ice cream truck round the corner with the promise of sweets and music. I do not remember the actual taking place of “Career Day” (the more I think about this, I realize that I have a rather poor memory), but I do recall my fascination with marine life; somehow my second-grade self found a career that this infatuation could apply itself: Marine Biology. I whole-heartedly believed that I wished to become a marine biologist, but I also failed to consider the fact that the interaction with sea creatures involved swimming (which I had not yet mastered), and that the ocean held sharks. My constant viewing of Discovery Channel documentaries on shark feeding habits and the Jaws series succeeded in repelling me from the water and made palpable my denial concerning the realties of my chosen career.

Upon my graduation of secondary school, the topic of career goals seemed to always appear out of some dark corner in the middle of conversations. The more conversations in which I participated, the more people I encountered who also planned to study the field of marine biology. At this point, the bitter taste in my mouth held from the development of the conscious acknowledgement of my naivety grew. I felt my stomach turn. To most, the thought of others sharing similar hopes and dreams would affirm their chosen career path; not so for I. For some reason, this fact unsettled me and fueled my eagerness to fall in love with a new “career” so to speak. This was a hard decision to make, for the life and dreams I had spent years constructing now had to be wiped away and started a new.

My father is an engineer, and being able to provide the same environment and stability for my future family that he has provided me would be the ultimate sense of satisfaction. Unfortunately, I have no skill for engineering or computer programming, this fact being proven by the doubt-clearing courses in high school and my resultant performance.

Unknowingly, throughout my life, I had chosen my future career. I just refused to acknowledge it, and when I did glance at it, I had a feeling similar to that of taking a double-take while standing in line at the grocery store and recognizing my long-lost best friend standing next to me. I could not find words to describe what I was feeling at that epiphanic moment. Deciding on a career was such an important feature in my life at the time. It determined what college I would attend, where I would live, and what type of person I would become. Now, the discovery of my hidden talents does not seem like such a shock because I am able to see the whole picture.

I have always held an interest in the Asian culture, and since the only language my high school offered in this area was Japanese, I readily excelled. I have also been a Girl Scout for thirteen years, and truly enjoy interacting with children and teaching. After attending the Governor’s academy for Japanese in the summer of 2003, I was informed of a program called JET (Japan English Teaching). This seems like the natural choice for me, considering that it combines all of my joys in the world. I could not ask for anything more than a job, and life, that I thoroughly enjoy.

My near future is sure to be filled with many a dismal Friday night, loaded with textbook upon textbook, overcast by a desk lamp, and littered with the scant eraser or pencil lead. I see this all as my duty, filling the requirements needed to move onto the next level. I need to check off a certain number of boxes before I am able to start the next chapter in my life. The knowledge that someday I will be surrounded by the din of traffic below my apartment window, live by public transportation, and speak the language I love, pulls me through these days. I walk steadily towards the point in my life where everything will converge into one point.

The sun is going to rise in the east, and I am going to be happy.

i’ve seen you a while now
long enough to be close
there’s some things about you
that i should know
(i still don’t)
with all the questions we didn’t ask
our conversations could never last
our moments alone were scarce and few
it was just easier to hide the truth

if all of our secrets were exposed
would we be sharing the same bed
how ’bout if i broke the silence first
did i hear what you’re thinking in your head
i need to be talked to, i need to be touched
i need you to hold me, i need to feel loved
and if i could open up to you
maybe i could open you up

but instead i got the phone call
just thought i’d call to let you know
i wanna be alone all night again

…phone call
just thought i’d call to let you know
i wanna be alone all night again

with all the questions we didn’t ask
our conversations could never last
i need to be talked to, i need to be touched
i need you to hold me, i need to feel loved
and if i could open up to you
maybe you could open up to me
we’d do all the things that lovers do
i’ve been meaning to tell you how i feel…

but instead i got the phone call
just thought i’d call to let you know
i wanna be alone all night again

…phone call
just thought i’d call to let you know
i wanna be alone all night again

–

and when i started listening to Symptom Finger, i just had to pause and lean over my keyboard. it was SO GOOD. i love it so much. i want to do some weird funky dance to it right now.

I look into the windows.
_______From outside, I see milky rooms with swirling shadows
(they once held the shapes of bodies)
I imagine scenes in my head. I try to think about their lives, and how they’ve been.
I look down at my feet, and imagine falling off of this beam. (it would hurt, I consider
empirically, as if it is someone else not me, Jane in the Physics text book)

It is hot outside. Strange for me, until I feel a pinch, and I am reminded.
Stocking-ed feet make it safe, and I realize how green the grass is

The sky is moving fast now, faster than my thoughts, and I focus on it.

I haven’t done this in a long time.
It’s a little part of me.
(like when people say that they die a little inside, except the opposite)
I’m coming alive temporarily, like that fluorescent light bulb in the lonely lobby, the firefly that hovered by your ear.
_____ It’s all smooth, for now.
I know, it’s all my fault, and It’s easier this way because it’s Mutually Exclusive.
For a while, life was monochromatic (As I take a break, and remember)
Nostalgia tinges my nose now. I want to tear up, but it wont work, because the truth is, I’m not sad.
The sky was white, it wouldn’t move. Everything else was black, but we were in shades of grey.

All that mattered was touching, and someone took the time to feel my heartbeat.
_____ I never knew that could happen.
I never knew this could happen.

It beats, and I can feel it holding in the air around me.
The tempo changes us, and I know when the lights turn on, we don’t like to move.
_____ I don’t like the idea of you seeing me, but the television is gentle, and
Lends a softening hand to the idea of me.
_____ I think you like my silhouette
Theres different things about it, and its becoming saturated.
_____ I don’t think about these things until the morning, with the faint glow of the clock
reminding me.
We don’t have excuses right now, anymore. (it was trying to be neon)
And we always have to recycle it. (a little is lost everytime, and its never the same)

i just read the below essay, and i noticed some capitalization and tense errors. dont get on me for it, its soo half ass. probably not even that, more like one-quarter. but. now im making up excuses in case you dont like it, when i cant just admit that this is what i wrote~

and i just accidentally knocked something over on my foot, and i didnt know what it was, cause i have my headphones on and it REALLY freaked me out cause i thought it was like an animal or something but it was just an index card holder, but i couldnt tell, also, cause i had socks on, for once. that essay screwed me over and now im just gonna lose my train of thought and organization of words. i really want to listen to “sex born poison” with dan. that part, where at the same time, we said we liked this part, and it just fills my heart, and then, it eventually evaporates, and i have to listen to it again. i also need to listen to “staring at the sun”
at least one aspect of my life is happy.

sorry for talking so much. i have a cramp in my left ring finger, so ill stop typing now. OW.

(oh, this title is about how i had whips yoplait yogurt today, and it moved around in my purse, so it became all liquidy cause the air bubbles popped. and it was key lime flavoured.) now im freaked out by all the stuff under the desk that i cant see, and i dont know if its a live, so ciao. im paranoid like that, and i can make parts of my body feel like they’ve been injured when i think about it.

oh, and from the choirgirl hotel is possibly THE best alblum of anything ever.
possibly. i’ll have to think about it. then homogenic, then 10000Hz legend. i dont know about the order. it will definetely change.

“…need a lipgloss boost in your america…” (Iieee)

People often approach life with a plan. Frequently, this systematic approach to things (consciously enacted or not) makes living easier and lets one feel as if one’s life holds a purpose. This is true for me. I can think back on many points in the past where I remember gazing at a questionnaire, drowning helplessly in the blank space followed by the question: What are your Future Goals? There. It’s out there. This is what its about. What do I plan to do with my life, what illustrious, white-picket fence life have I planned for myself?

The planning started a while back, when the infamous “Career Day” rolled around, a kin to the ice cream truck except without the promise of sweets and the music, at everyone’s elementary school. I do not remember the actual day (the more I think about this, I realize that I have a rather poor memory). I do recall my fascination with marine life, and somehow my second-grade-self found a career that this infatuation could apply itself to. That just happened to be marine biology. I seriously thought that I wanted to be a marine biologist, but I also failed to realize that it involved swimming (which I had not yet mastered), and that in the ocean there were sharks. My constant viewing of Discovery Channel documentaries on their feeding habits and the Jaws series succeeded in repelling me from the water. When I graduated to middle school, the topic of career goals seemed to always appear out of some dark corner in the middle of conversations. The more conversations I held, the more people I found that also planned to be a marine biologist.

At this point, the bitter taste my mouth held from the development of my anti-shark antics grew. I felt my stomach turn. To most, the thought of others sharing similar hopes and dreams would encourage their chosen career path; not so for I. This particular fact fueled my eagerness to fall in love with a new “career” so to speak. My father is an engineer, and to be able to provide the things for my future family that he has given us, would be the ultimate sense of satisfaction. Unfortunately, I have no skill for engineering or computer programming what so ever. Its not that I cannot do it, I just do not have a natural knack for solving problems; I am actually better at creating them. I know this for a fact because I devoted two credits of my schedule during high school towards this vocational area to see if I liked it. Needless to say, I did not.

Unknowingly, throughout my life, I had chosen my future career. I just refused to acknowledge it, and when I did glance at it, like a person standing next to me in a line at the grocery store, I could not find words to describe it. Now, it does not seem like such a shock to me now as it was then because I am able to see all of the steps leading up to my epiphany. I have always held an interest in the Asian Culture, and since the only language my high school offered in this area was Japanese, I readily excelled at this. I have also been a girl scout for close to thirteen years, and truly enjoy interacting with children and teaching as well. After attending Governor’s School for Japanese in the summer of 2003, I was informed of a program called JET (Japan English Teaching). This seems like the natural career choice for me, considering that it combines all of my joys in the world. I could not ask for anything more than a job, and life, that I thoroughly enjoy.

My near future is filled with many a dismal Friday night, loaded with textbook upon textbook, overcast by a desk lamp, and littered with the scant eraser or pencil lead. Do not worry, I see this all as my duty, filling the requirements needed to move onto the next level. I need to check off a certain number of boxes before I am able to start the next chapter in my life. The knowledge that someday I will be surrounded by the din of traffic below my apartment window, live by public transportation, and speak the language I love pulls me through these days. I walk steadily towards the point in my life where I know that everything will change. The sun is going to rise in the east, and I am going to be happy.
———————-
this is an essay i need to write for english, about career goals. i know, theres so many cliches and i say i too much, and i write like a little girl, and theres no organization,and its too formal, i shouldnt have that question in the first paragraph, career day never happened, and my metaphors dont make sense, and no one really cares, but i need it for a grade, and i need it to be bad for a first draft, and its so not fair cause i dont know what i want to write, but at the same time, i do, and im sitting here and its almost 1030 and i have no makeup on, and a robe over the clothes i wore to school today, i really want something to eat, my hands should be cold(i dont know where they are), and im rambling.
im done.
i need to wake up in like8 hrs.
i love you.

While Conversing
I look into the windows.
From outside, I see milky rooms with swirling shadows
(they once held the shapes of bodies)
I imagine scenes in my head. I try to think about their lives, and how they’ve been.
I look down at my feet, and imagine falling off of this beam. (it would hurt, I consider empirically, as if it is someone else not me, Jane in the Physics text book)

It is hot outside. Strange for me, until I feel a pinch, and I am reminded.
Stocking-ed feet make it safe, and I realize how green the grass is

The sky is moving fast now, faster than my thoughts, and I focus on it.

Valley
I haven’t done this in a long time.
It’s a little part of me.
(like when people say that they die a little inside, except the opposite)
I’m coming alive temporarily, like that fluorescent light bulb in the lonely lobby, the firefly that hovered by your ear.
It’s all smooth, for now.
I know, it’s all my fault, and It’s easier this way because it’s Mutually Exclusive.
For a while, life was monochromatic (As I take a break, and remember)
Nostalgia tinges my nose now. I want to tear up, but it wont work, because the truth is, I’m not sad.
The sky was white, it wouldn’t move. Everything else was black, but we were in shades of grey.

All that mattered was touching, and someone took the time to feel my heartbeat.
I never knew that could happen.
I never knew this could happen.

Temporary
It beats, and I can feel it holding in the air around me.
The tempo changes us, and I know when the lights turn on, we don’t like to move.
I don’t like the idea of you seeing me, but the television is gentle, and
Lends a softening hand to the idea of me.
I think you like my silhouette
Theres different things about it, and its becoming saturated.
I don’t think about these things until the morning, with the faint glow of the clock
reminding me.
We don’t have excuses right now, anymore. (it was trying to be neon)
And we always have to recycle it. (a little is lost everytime, and its never the same)
———————————————————————
i havent written anything like this in a long time, and i dont think that my poetic voice will be the same as when i was younger and raw. im putting this out there. people (aherm) might know what these things are, but knowing , you might think its something else, or it might change your perception. SORRY. i need to take a break like.. 10 minutes for every paragraph on this english paper! wish me luck. (and today, i didnt realize this, but for the first time today, i did something seriously asian, and unconsciously.)
everything that didnt make sense, now makes sense. but every new thing i learn doesnt. it clicks

this is goodbye (but i never meant to hurt you, or to lie) tell the truth, you never wanted me. >cue really good humming by random girl<
i just love this song, ‘kay?

this english paper is so hard. and i already typed up my distaste for it in an IM to dan, so i dont feel like writing it again. inevitably, it will be typed up in the course of this entry, whether i like it or not, and now i’ve just wasted time explaining how i was not going to type it.
basically. i dont know my voice yet. sure, theres a voice when i totally BS a major english paper in high school and pull a B+, and theres a voice when i’m typing an entry (like so), but for COLLEGE HONORS COURSES?! what am i supposed to do? formal or informal? and informal, which i am, how so? how much? how strictly should i follow the rules for this thesis paper 5 paragraph descriptive narrative about career goals.

i had such grande ous plans for this. movie montages, conversations, but not term papers. i guess its is merely a first draft, and i can edit and pick it to shreds before anyone else sees it. i noticed an accidental shift in tone there. from casual to pompous, then back to casual. what is wrong with me?

i cant wait till tomorrow, or more specifically, tomorrow after 145. (work from 7am until when?!)ill be free for at least a few hours. i hope.

and.. im going to hell?

i hope my life follows the path i’ve set in motion for it. its up to me to do it, ill have no one but myself to congratulate or blame. (must write review for hero, ella enchanted, crest of the stars, and this boys life. chemistry story, oh yeah)

i want a cookie. actually, a custard creme filled chocolate iced donut.
mmmmmmmmmm
i WAS 120.5 on wednesday before dinner, what am i now?
OH GOD. DANCE CLASS ON SATURDAY.IM GOING TO DIE SEVEN TIMES OVER.

yeah. just really quick – i’m pissed off SO much at my family right now. my mom is trying to blame something i did like 3 weeks ago, aka, talking to someone in the post office, for thinking that one of her employees (which i havent seen in like 4 months cause of summer)MIGHT BE thinking about quitting in the near future, my sister has been poking me all day, and so when she did it just now, i slapped her (and somehow I GOT in trouble for that)and my brother’s been playing and knocking down my curtains, trying to steal my pillows, and someone stole my cool clock, which, coincidentally had my alarm on it, oh, and i STILL havent started on my english paper which is due tomorrow, i have to wake up early tomorrow too.
>________<