July 5

It seems i always look away when the numbers pass, so that when
i look up the minutes have passed without my knowing.

Turning up the volume, thank god for deafness.

I lay down and rest my fingers on the volume. and vibrations escape
through where the two pieces fail to connect, transferring to my fingertip.
pulsing, it seems, with my my heart.

there is a time limit on sanity.

I’m looking, waiting for the time to pass, but, with my fixed stare, i become
bored. Soon my eyes shift towards the window. Outside the wind moves the limbs
of a tree back and forth, blocking and un-blocking the glare of the sun burning
on the metal parallel to my room.

tears are a temporary thing.

it’s a smile, yes. so under-appreciated. do you think i could
have held on tighter? embrace- it isn’t missed until too late, until it’s left.
it wasn’t sad at that time. but i walked away and realized it was forever.

six minutes past my limit.

first the faint searing on my nose, the bridge, closest to the
eyes. tinted windows so i can’t see her, but wave anyway. then a swelling in
my chest, to the right of my heart. uncontrollable, these emotions are. step
up and sit down. forever goodbye. as i dwell more on these thoughts, i feel
my waist condense, my stomach swirl as tears start to cling to my eyelashes.
i forgot to whisper ‘i love you too’. and my cheeks are now wet. stifiling,
so as not to be heard

Paths already dried, and yet i’m still crying. now running to
the corners of my mouth, down my neck because i am looking at the ceiling. my
skin feels odd because i didn’t bother to brush the tears away.

they remain saturated and absorbed.

i am spent.

it’s still churning inside of me, yet my body has no tears remaining.
i feel obliged. as if a tribute, i wish i could continue to make salty puddles
for her.

Breaking point.

July 4

all of a sudden, it’s as if my life were a movie. a montage of
photos. sitting next to her, i feel her heart pulsing through her skin. the
blood rushing through her veins pushes through her skin, which in turn flares
against mine. a sharp ember of life.

and pondering on this, my exposed chest flashes with heat, slowly
spreading, aching.

it feels like my whole rib cage is collapsing upon itself. my
inner structure has left. my world’s falling apart. from within. did she notice
my sudden movement to grab her hand, intwining my fingers with hers? it was
an involuntary reflex– reaching for comfort. last hours wasted while the new
day is crouched over the horizon, speckled with faded stars.

my skin is hot. Once again, from within. it’s difficult with the
air conditioner on, but not too hard under the circumstances. ignore it, i say
in my m ind.

these
unheard reprisals.

Always the unheard… contemplation.

Silence
is what always kills.

Summer 2002